Widely known as the finest dating and romance coach for women on the West Coast, Marc E. Katzenberg has been helping single women past their “best served by” date find love since 2003. Many of his distinguished alumnae have had a baby and then divorced, received highly favorable marital dissolution agreements or just had a fully-paid nice meal with an inoffensive suitor. By helping women understand men – what they think, how they act, and what they really want – he empowers women to get what they want. Katzenberg is the author of “A Commonsense Guide to Dating After You’re Approaching Menopause.”
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I serve single women over 30 and sometimes even over 40. A little tough love is in often in order for these ladies. Find me a group of 30-plus-year-old single women and I’ll pick out one nearly naked party girl with discus-shaped fake boobs, a divorcee who abandoned her husband and children because she felt vaguely “not happy,” and a few who tell people they are “building” their “careers” but are really building a list of hunky single men that pump and dump them.
If you want a study in humanity, 30-plus-year-old single women pretty much have all the bases covered. Let’s examine each of the most common types:
1) The Restless [Ex-]Wife
Look out dutiful dads and cherubic children. Restless ex-wives make up a large portion of single women over 30. These women read some book, watched some movie or listened to some college professor and concluded that if they are not terribly, almost unbearably happy absolutely all the time their poor husband must be to blame. They also believe that those little looks they get at the gym mean that they can hit Match.com and date guys hotter than their husband.
Try streaming the awful movies Peggy Sue Got Married or It’s My Turn. Or perhaps you had better just take my word. Both these movies are remarkable in that the female protagonist ditches her caring, decent spouse or boyfriend for the exciting, elusive and mysterious “bad boy.”
This was a fine message in our movies of the ‘70s and ‘80s. But who knew that our young women would eventually absorb all this toxic nonsense a generation later through their overindulgent parents? In practice today, this attitude has created chaos. It’s a train wreck for all concerned.
2) The Hussy
Who says that dancing on bars is for strippers? Now that the 20s – and even the 30s in some larger cities –are the designated time for single women to “explore” and “discover” themselves – including their endless libidos – dancing on bars is for any hussy young enough not to hurt her back while climbing onto the bar in pumps. Hussies usually have boob jobs, and when they do they make sure that you never forget their gravity-defying skin balloons. Can you see her plastic surgeon’s fingerprints through her stretched skin? One of G-d’s most beautiful creations gets replaced without a second thought with boobs that have as much individuality as a lit up McDonald’s sign off the interstate.
Of course, hussies also like to litter their bodies with tattoos in languages they don’t understand. It’s their proxy for religion. By 30, they look road weary and used up. Their future does not look good without either looks or a way to make a good living. Adopting a pit bull and attending daily yoga classes are their only refuge from many decades of loneliness.
3) The Fitness Girl
She is aware. She is a feminist. She believes that muscle definition in a woman is sexy and will ward off infertility. You might see her walking with her yoga mat along the main drag of your town. One can also find her breed on a treadmill at the gym running at a high and steady pace for hours. Is she ever getting off that thing? What, oh, what is she running from?
On closer inspection, the soft, subtle skin of the Fitness Girl’s youth is gone. She looks like Linda Hamilton from Terminator 2… 20 years later! If anyone told her she was any less sexy at 38 than she was at 22, she would call the offender mad. Look at what great shape she is in! The fun will never end so long as she keeps astride that treadmill – or so she thinks.
4) The Tough-As-Nails Careerist
Every day she is out to prove she is as tough as all those big men that surround her. She’s hauling a brief case around and not giving an inch in her negotiations. Outside of work she moves like a dude and spends about as much time on her look as one. Her hair is flat and lusterless, and her personality matches.
Not able to turn off her career warrior mentality after she leaves the office, she turns off the very few alphas more successful than her that she would deem acceptable for matrimony. No matter, she thinks. By the time I’m 40 I’ll be a partner or a senior VP. It never occurs to her that men don’t want a female careerist when they come home from their own feces-hurling battles in their own workplace. They also don’t want an infertile, worn out old harridan.
Feminine, she will never be. She might make a good “partner” for putting two kids through private school. Other than that, she is of little use.
5) The Alpha Female
Oh, these women are a terror in their 20’s. These are the hot, sexy, model-height women with interests, intelligence and the gift of the gab. Since puberty blessed them with its holy kiss in their early teens, the world seemed like a limitless place. Invitations to exotic destinations in private planes, free surfing lessons from attractive instructors, complimentary meals at the most elegant restaurants in town… Life is wonderful! Why would anyone settle down a day before one has to?
And it stays that way for the alpha female… until it starts not to. For most, it’s in their early-30s. The invitations become less frequent, and the suitors less persistent.
By the Alpha Female’s late-30s, she is scrapping for attention from one of the normal guys that works for a living whom she did not even notice existed 10 years before. Perhaps one of these guys will pretend not to know what she has been doing the last 15 years while he has been slaving in an office and save her from her misery by marrying her.
6) The We-Are-The-World-er
The We-Are-The-World-er (“WATW”) went to Africa and paid to go to a village and hold little black babies. They loved tugging on her dyed-blonde hair. But what is she doing with herself? During her many nature hikes, the sun has etched deep canyons into the skin around her eyes. Her once clear skin is blotchy.
More importantly, while the WATW spends her best years saving children half a world away she does not think one wit about the kids she one day will want to have with some hapless gent. Those years dedicated to saving the world could mean $10Ks wasted at a fertility clinic near you.
The WATW talks about using algae to power her next car – but would never dream of using the bus. For all her save-the-world dreams, she thinks she will never grow old and will find a guy to marry when she hits 40. After all, she reasons, I will be the same person at 40 as I am now.
7) The “Actress/Model”
Narcissism knows no bounds with this group. They were homecoming queen at their public school in their unexceptional town far from our major coastal cities. Their marginal beauty steered them to study drama, and their daddies did not have the courage to tell them “no.”
After they pass 30 as singles, they have breached the point of no return. Rather than give their best years to their spouses and their children, they devote them to garnering as much attention as possible from as many people as possible. They continue working out and hustling to auditions as their limited beauty fades.
The actress/models’ time to lasso a doctor, investment banker or even lawyer stupid enough to support their self-absorption is very limited. Most find themselves scrambling at 39 to find that perfect guy since now they are finally “ready.” We were ready when you were 25 and could stop traffic. How old was your mother when she hit menopause? Maybe we could just date casually.
) The Homely Girl
The one single-over-30 girl who deserves our admiration and well wishes is the homely girl. Once upon a time, homely people got married just like the rest of us in our early-20s. Now that women want to take time to “explore,” homely girls that were tolerable at 22 – just by virtue of their youth – rot on the vine. By 30, these women look like that single elementary school teacher with cats. The ones with the beat up Honda. Or they look like skinny men with make-up. They cannot compete with even a dial-up internet connection and cooking oil.
Pity these poor women. In another age they would have had a good chance at a traditional marrage and a loving family. Now all they get is a life of toil. They reap no benefit from feminism and the delay of marriage, but pay the heaviest price.
9) The Sex Freak
Not to be mistaken for “The Hussy,” Sex Freaks appear relatively normal but participate in strange sex games with boyfriends (and girlfriends). These are a rare breed, but they are out there in numbers. If these perversions persist into the late-20s, Sex Freaks become so warped that they never even want to “settle down” in holy matrimony. If they attempt marriage, they become bored with their poor husband’s limited bag of tricks. And he’s always the same person. You call that variety?
Sex Freaks walk from their marriages within three years flat.
10) The Crazy Cat Lady
The “Crazy Cat Lady” now includes the crazy dog lady. Any dog under 20 pounds – or two dogs of the same breed – can push a woman into “Crazy Cat Lady” territory.
Crazy cat women have no room for a man, and men are not too keen on her, either. Who needs all the toxoplasmosis from the dried cat manure?
A “man and his dog” is different. Male-dog bonding takes on a religious and spiritual sanctity, and it never impairs the creation of a larger family unit. Give a woman a cat or a small dog and those little critters will be cock-blocking for a decade-plus.