Tennis Powerhouse Serena Williams To Play Iron Mike In New Biopic That Slams Gender Stereotype

 

By BRADFORD MIEHL

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Just because sports fans have seen plenty of Mike Tyson on stage in his one man show – “Mike Tyson: The Undisputed Truth” – doesn’t mean Hollywood will stop from making a brand new biopic based on the controversial power puncher this fall.

What is new, on the other hand, about this Tyson bio is the gender of the actor slated to play Iron Mike.  Yes, it’s a chick.  First Word Hollywood reports that none other than tennis superstar Serena Williams has agreed to jump from the tennis court and onto the silver screen in her very first film role.

Producer George Rickelmann said that Serena is the perfect choice.  “Serena has the fire that Mike had during his reign of terror in the boxing ranks,” he said.  Rickelmann also believes Serena will break the gender barrier.

“In Roman times, men played both men and women so we know that gender does not need to be a limitation to what actors do,” said Ricklemann.  He also believes that a woman can more easily duplicate Tyon’s natural falsetto voice.

Williams does appear to have the powerful and compact physique of Tyson during his prime.  “Williams is a vision of raw, unadulterated, savage strength,” said tennis commentator and gender rights advocate Mary Carillo.  “Who better than Serena to capture Tyson’s out of control power?”

A spokesperson for Williams said that she is excited to play the role of the pugilist: “Serena has admired Mike Tyson’s passion her entire life and cannot wait to begin transforming herself into her idol.”

Apparently, Rickelmann has been pursuing Williams to play Tyson for a long while.  For two years, Williams refused to take on the role, saying she did not believe she was up to the job of playing the man she calls “the greatest sports redemption story of the last 100 years.”

“Forget gender and focus on the dramatic impact of the character.”

Film critic and Santa Marino College film criticism professor Arnold Katz said that Williams’ gender could be a strong selling point that drives the film’s success.  “This takes the cross-gender acting in ‘Tootsie’ and ‘Big Mamma’ to the next level,” he said.  “[By choosing Williams] [t]hey are saying: ‘Forget gender and focus on the dramatic impact of the character.’”

No one has been attached to direct, but whoever does will face one gender related challenge: how to handle Williams’ bosom during boxing scenes.  CGI can work wonders but might diminish the returns of a woman taking on the role.  “I think she should do what every man does, and box without a top,” said Katz.  “If we can’t handle that in 2013, then something is very wrong.”

Whether Williams boxes with a top or au naturel, she will make waves.  If her acting is half as intense as her backhand, the film will be like a vintage Tyson uppercut.

New Bid For Embattled Blackberry Led By Its Creative Director May Give It New Lease On Life

By BUTCH WITT

The embattled smartphone maker Blackberry may have received a lifeline from an unlikely source.  For weeks, Blackberry shareholders and consumers have been questioning the validity of a noncommittal and relatively lackluster bid to take Blackberry private by former director and current 10-percent owner Prem Watsa.

Late on Tuesday evening Blackberry’s creative director Alicia Keys announced a bid to purchase the troubled former tech giant for $12 per share.  The bid is 30-percent above Watsa’s and it may have other advantages for the ailing former tech giant.

“This company will be hipper and ‘badder’ than it ever was before.”

Although details of the bid have yet to be formally released, Keys told sources that – unlike the Watsa bid – her bid has funding and is conditioned only upon a four-week due diligence period.  Keys also reportedly said that financing for her bid comes from unnamed sources in the “urban hip hop community.”  Some observers believe that rap star and producer Jay-Z, who is known to be an avid Blackberry user, will be providing a portion of the cash for the deal.

Enticing for Blackberry enthusiasts is Keys’ promise to revive the struggling phone maker rather than split it up for sale.  “This company will be hipper and ‘badder’ than it ever was before,” she said.

Apparently, Keys saw an opportunity in the course of her duties as creative director to improve on the long-suffering Blackberry’s performance among urban youth.  “I saw a lot of poor decisions being made with regard to design and the overall image of the brand,” she said.  “There is so much opportunity in so many communities that have been turned off by Blackberry’s vanilla, and, excuse me, pasty white image,” she added.

If the bidding process for the sad, self-immolating former tech titan were not dramatic enough, Keys threw in a bit of racial politics by dismissing rival bidder Watsa as a “crusty, old white dude.”  Watsa, who is actually Indian by birth, has not commented on either Keys’ bid or her racially charged comments.

The Keys bid represents a very late victory for former Blackberry’s U.S. marketing manager Richard Piasentin, whose decision to bring on Keys as creative director in January 2013 was ridiculed by many.  “I am happy that Ms. Keys may prove to be so valuable to Blackberry even if it was not the way I originally envisioned,” Piasentin said via telephone.

“We have been fearing the worst, but in the back of my mind I think I knew that someone, maybe even Alicia [Keys] would come through.”

A source close to Keys said that she believes that phones with more dramatic color schemes – such as zebra prints and luminescent orange – will appeal to the youth market.  Indeed, a broad range of enticing colors could offer the bleeding pariah of the high tech industry the differentiation it has struggled for since releasing its OS 10 operating system, which observers say resembles the iPhone’s iOS but lacks its critical apps.  Some credit multiple colors to saving Apple in the late-90s with its early iMac computers.

Kevin Michalick, the foremost blogger on Blackberry phones and company intrigue, seemed very pleased.  “We have been fearing the worst, but in the back of my mind I think I knew that someone, maybe even Alicia [Keys] would come through,” he said.

Acting CEO Thorsten Heins was unavailable for comment.

Hot Off The PressesChildren Have Skin Changes From Fukushima;

Embrace UniquenessObamacare’s Post-Partum Abortion Mandate Stirs ControversyJanet Yellen Topples Old Barriers To Women At The Fed ReserveObama To Declare Congress As Advisory By Executive OrderA Serious Look At Michael Jackson As A Child ProdigyRetired Pope Upsets Vatican With Visits To Gay ClubsEgg On Their Face? Investigators Focus On Bieber’s BulbsSenate Reports Connects Clinton to Benghazi Cover UpD.C. Bombshell: Michelle May Seek Separation From Barack ObamaGiant Fukushima Squid Found In Central CaliBillionaire Branson Cancels “Spaceline” After Suffering Air SicknessThe 10 Types of Single Women Over Age 30Schultz: Let Rodman Go To Work In North KoreaMore Love And Sex Advice From KatzenbergMilitary Beats Sexual Assault Reporting GoalsExclusive Interview with Santa Claus On Diverse SantasNASA Scrambles To Contain Latest Mars Rover ScandalMost Popular On LBTEgg On Their Face? Investigators Focus On Bieber’s BulbsThe NSA To Begin Screening Emails For Insensitive Racial/Cultural ContentGiant Radioactive Squid Frightens Santa Monica ResidentsProf. Samuelson Offers A Parable For Female Online DatersLocal Single Men Shunning Events For Older Singles — Sexism?Schultz: Single Women Over 30 Are Not Attractive To MeThe 10 Types Of Single Women Over 30 Years Of Age Editor’s Note: The LBT recently has discovered certain of its writers embellishing stories for effect. These embellishments are under investigation. Until the investigation is complete, please corroborate all stories before making investment or other important decisions. New Bid For Embattled Blackberry Led By Its Creative Director May Give It New Lease On Life

By BUTCH WITT

The embattled smartphone maker Blackberry may have received a lifeline from an unlikely source.  For weeks, Blackberry shareholders and consumers have been questioning the validity of a noncommittal and relatively lackluster bid to take Blackberry private by former director and current 10-percent owner Prem Watsa.

Late on Tuesday evening Blackberry’s creative director Alicia Keys announced a bid to purchase the troubled former tech giant for $12 per share.  The bid is 30-percent above Watsa’s and it may have other advantages for the ailing former tech giant.

“This company will be hipper and ‘badder’ than it ever was before.”

Although details of the bid have yet to be formally released, Keys told sources that – unlike the Watsa bid – her bid has funding and is conditioned only upon a four-week due diligence period.  Keys also reportedly said that financing for her bid comes from unnamed sources in the “urban hip hop community.”  Some observers believe that rap star and producer Jay-Z, who is known to be an avid Blackberry user, will be providing a portion of the cash for the deal.

Enticing for Blackberry enthusiasts is Keys’ promise to revive the struggling phone maker rather than split it up for sale.  “This company will be hipper and ‘badder’ than it ever was before,” she said.

Apparently, Keys saw an opportunity in the course of her duties as creative director to improve on the long-suffering Blackberry’s performance among urban youth.  “I saw a lot of poor decisions being made with regard to design and the overall image of the brand,” she said.  “There is so much opportunity in so many communities that have been turned off by Blackberry’s vanilla, and, excuse me, pasty white image,” she added.

If the bidding process for the sad, self-immolating former tech titan were not dramatic enough, Keys threw in a bit of racial politics by dismissing rival bidder Watsa as a “crusty, old white dude.”  Watsa, who is actually Indian by birth, has not commented on either Keys’ bid or her racially charged comments.

The Keys bid represents a very late victory for former Blackberry’s U.S. marketing manager Richard Piasentin, whose decision to bring on Keys as creative director in January 2013 was ridiculed by many.  “I am happy that Ms. Keys may prove to be so valuable to Blackberry even if it was not the way I originally envisioned,” Piasentin said via telephone.

“We have been fearing the worst, but in the back of my mind I think I knew that someone, maybe even Alicia [Keys] would come through.”

A source close to Keys said that she believes that phones with more dramatic color schemes – such as zebra prints and luminescent orange – will appeal to the youth market.  Indeed, a broad range of enticing colors could offer the bleeding pariah of the high tech industry the differentiation it has struggled for since releasing its OS 10 operating system, which observers say resembles the iPhone’s iOS but lacks its critical apps.  Some credit multiple colors to saving Apple in the late-90s with its early iMac computers.

Kevin Michalick, the foremost blogger on Blackberry phones and company intrigue, seemed very pleased.  “We have been fearing the worst, but in the back of my mind I think I knew that someone, maybe even Alicia [Keys] would come through,” he said.

The 10 Types Of Single Women Over The Age Of 30 – Page 3

Widely known as the finest dating and romance coach for women on the West Coast, Marc E. Katzenberg has been helping single women past their “best served by” date find love since 2003. Many of his distinguished alumnae have had a baby and then divorced, received highly favorable marital dissolution agreements or just had a fully-paid nice meal with an inoffensive suitor. By helping women understand men – what they think, how they act, and what they really want – he empowers women to get what they want. Katzenberg is the author of “A Commonsense Guide to Dating After You’re Approaching Menopause.”

Related Articles
Schultz: Single Women Over 30 Are Ugly
Single Women Must Lower Their Standards In Men
Local Men Shun Singles Events For Older Single Women
Why Boob Jobs Suck And Ruin Natural Beauty
Jennifer Aniston Is Not Close To Being Hot
Aniston Faces Tough Choices With Down Syndrome Fetus
Hillary Clinton Romantically Linked To Sandra Fluke
Running Hooker Favor Hamilton Is Feminist Hero
Girls Going Wild – Ramadan Break Fraud Alleged
I serve single women over 30 and sometimes even over 40. A little tough love is in often in order for these ladies. Find me a group of 30-plus-year-old single women and I’ll pick out one nearly naked party girl with discus-shaped fake boobs, a divorcee who abandoned her husband and children because she felt vaguely “not happy,” and a few who tell people they are “building” their “careers” but are really building a list of hunky single men that pump and dump them.

If you want a study in humanity, 30-plus-year-old single women pretty much have all the bases covered. Let’s examine each of the most common types:

1) The Restless [Ex-]Wife

Look out dutiful dads and cherubic children. Restless ex-wives make up a large portion of single women over 30. These women read some book, watched some movie or listened to some college professor and concluded that if they are not terribly, almost unbearably happy absolutely all the time their poor husband must be to blame. They also believe that those little looks they get at the gym mean that they can hit Match.com and date guys hotter than their husband.

Try streaming the awful movies Peggy Sue Got Married or It’s My Turn. Or perhaps you had better just take my word. Both these movies are remarkable in that the female protagonist ditches her caring, decent spouse or boyfriend for the exciting, elusive and mysterious “bad boy.”

This was a fine message in our movies of the ‘70s and ‘80s. But who knew that our young women would eventually absorb all this toxic nonsense a generation later through their overindulgent parents? In practice today, this attitude has created chaos. It’s a train wreck for all concerned.

2) The Hussy

Who says that dancing on bars is for strippers? Now that the 20s – and even the 30s in some larger cities –are the designated time for single women to “explore” and “discover” themselves – including their endless libidos – dancing on bars is for any hussy young enough not to hurt her back while climbing onto the bar in pumps. Hussies usually have boob jobs, and when they do they make sure that you never forget their gravity-defying skin balloons. Can you see her plastic surgeon’s fingerprints through her stretched skin? One of G-d’s most beautiful creations gets replaced without a second thought with boobs that have as much individuality as a lit up McDonald’s sign off the interstate.

Of course, hussies also like to litter their bodies with tattoos in languages they don’t understand. It’s their proxy for religion. By 30, they look road weary and used up. Their future does not look good without either looks or a way to make a good living. Adopting a pit bull and attending daily yoga classes are their only refuge from many decades of loneliness.

3) The Fitness Girl

She is aware. She is a feminist. She believes that muscle definition in a woman is sexy and will ward off infertility. You might see her walking with her yoga mat along the main drag of your town. One can also find her breed on a treadmill at the gym running at a high and steady pace for hours. Is she ever getting off that thing? What, oh, what is she running from?

On closer inspection, the soft, subtle skin of the Fitness Girl’s youth is gone. She looks like Linda Hamilton from Terminator 2… 20 years later! If anyone told her she was any less sexy at 38 than she was at 22, she would call the offender mad. Look at what great shape she is in! The fun will never end so long as she keeps astride that treadmill – or so she thinks.

4) The Tough-As-Nails Careerist

Every day she is out to prove she is as tough as all those big men that surround her. She’s hauling a brief case around and not giving an inch in her negotiations. Outside of work she moves like a dude and spends about as much time on her look as one. Her hair is flat and lusterless, and her personality matches.

Not able to turn off her career warrior mentality after she leaves the office, she turns off the very few alphas more successful than her that she would deem acceptable for matrimony. No matter, she thinks. By the time I’m 40 I’ll be a partner or a senior VP. It never occurs to her that men don’t want a female careerist when they come home from their own feces-hurling battles in their own workplace. They also don’t want an infertile, worn out old harridan.

Feminine, she will never be. She might make a good “partner” for putting two kids through private school. Other than that, she is of little use.

5) The Alpha Female

Oh, these women are a terror in their 20’s. These are the hot, sexy, model-height women with interests, intelligence and the gift of the gab. Since puberty blessed them with its holy kiss in their early teens, the world seemed like a limitless place. Invitations to exotic destinations in private planes, free surfing lessons from attractive instructors, complimentary meals at the most elegant restaurants in town… Life is wonderful! Why would anyone settle down a day before one has to?

And it stays that way for the alpha female… until it starts not to. For most, it’s in their early-30s. The invitations become less frequent, and the suitors less persistent.

By the Alpha Female’s late-30s, she is scrapping for attention from one of the normal guys that works for a living whom she did not even notice existed 10 years before. Perhaps one of these guys will pretend not to know what she has been doing the last 15 years while he has been slaving in an office and save her from her misery by marrying her.

6) The We-Are-The-World-er

The We-Are-The-World-er (“WATW”) went to Africa and paid to go to a village and hold little black babies. They loved tugging on her dyed-blonde hair. But what is she doing with herself? During her many nature hikes, the sun has etched deep canyons into the skin around her eyes. Her once clear skin is blotchy.

More importantly, while the WATW spends her best years saving children half a world away she does not think one wit about the kids she one day will want to have with some hapless gent. Those years dedicated to saving the world could mean $10Ks wasted at a fertility clinic near you.

The WATW talks about using algae to power her next car – but would never dream of using the bus. For all her save-the-world dreams, she thinks she will never grow old and will find a guy to marry when she hits 40. After all, she reasons, I will be the same person at 40 as I am now.

Indeed. Indeed.

7) The “Actress/Model”

Narcissism knows no bounds with this group. They were homecoming queen at their public school in their unexceptional town far from our major coastal cities. Their marginal beauty steered them to study drama, and their daddies did not have the courage to tell them “no.”

After they pass 30 as singles, they have breached the point of no return. Rather than give their best years to their spouses and their children, they devote them to garnering as much attention as possible from as many people as possible. They continue working out and hustling to auditions as their limited beauty fades.

The actress/models’ time to lasso a doctor, investment banker or even lawyer stupid enough to support their self-absorption is very limited. Most find themselves scrambling at 39 to find that perfect guy since now they are finally “ready.” We were ready when you were 25 and could stop traffic. How old was your mother when she hit menopause? Maybe we could just date casually.

) The Homely Girl

The one single-over-30 girl who deserves our admiration and well wishes is the homely girl. Once upon a time, homely people got married just like the rest of us in our early-20s. Now that women want to take time to “explore,” homely girls that were tolerable at 22 – just by virtue of their youth – rot on the vine. By 30, these women look like that single elementary school teacher with cats. The ones with the beat up Honda. Or they look like skinny men with make-up. They cannot compete with even a dial-up internet connection and cooking oil.

Pity these poor women. In another age they would have had a good chance at a traditional marrage and a loving family. Now all they get is a life of toil. They reap no benefit from feminism and the delay of marriage, but pay the heaviest price.

9) The Sex Freak

Not to be mistaken for “The Hussy,” Sex Freaks appear relatively normal but participate in strange sex games with boyfriends (and girlfriends). These are a rare breed, but they are out there in numbers. If these perversions persist into the late-20s, Sex Freaks become so warped that they never even want to “settle down” in holy matrimony. If they attempt marriage, they become bored with their poor husband’s limited bag of tricks. And he’s always the same person. You call that variety?

Sex Freaks walk from their marriages within three years flat.

10) The Crazy Cat Lady

The “Crazy Cat Lady” now includes the crazy dog lady. Any dog under 20 pounds – or two dogs of the same breed – can push a woman into “Crazy Cat Lady” territory.

Crazy cat women have no room for a man, and men are not too keen on her, either. Who needs all the toxoplasmosis from the dried cat manure?

A “man and his dog” is different. Male-dog bonding takes on a religious and spiritual sanctity, and it never impairs the creation of a larger family unit. Give a woman a cat or a small dog and those little critters will be cock-blocking for a decade-plus.

Hot Off The PressesThe 10 Types of Single Women Over Age 30Schultz:

Let Rodman Go To Work In North KoreaMore Love And Sex Advice From Marc E. KatzenbergMilitary Beats Sexual Assault Reporting GoalsExclusive Interview with Santa Claus On Diverse SantasNASA Scrambles To Contain Latest Mars Rover ScandalNSA To Begin Screening Emails For Insensitive ContentGiant Fukushima Squid Found In Central CaliCalifornia GOP Shifts Focus To Social EventsWorld Series MVP David Ortiz Speaks About SteroidsBud Selig: Red Sox Fans Most Annoying Fans AnywhereGiant Radioactive Oarfish Found In CaliforniaIndian-American Miss America Win Brings Calls For “Smell Test”Relationship Coach Marc E. Katzenberg Gives Ladies AdviceMost Popular On LBTThe NSA To Begin Screening Emails For Insensitive Racial/Cultural ContentGiant Radioactive Squid Frightens Santa Monica ResidentsProf. Samuelson Offers A Parable For Female Online DatersLocal Single Men Shunning Events For Older Singles — Sexism?Schultz: Single Women Over 30 Are Not Attractive To MeThe 10 Types Of Single Women Over 30 Years Of Age Boston Red Sox Fans Declared Most Annoying Fans By MLB Chief Selig

October 24, 2013

BOSTON – In an unexpected speech that irked more than a few Boston Red Sox fans, major league baseball Commissioner Bud Selig explained on Wednesday why he finds Boston fans “the most loathsome fans” in all of professional sports.

At the impromptu event at which most reporters expected an announcement relating to Selig’s retirement, the longtime baseball commissioner spoke freely and off the cuff about his enmity towards Red Sox fans.

“Red Sox fans wallow in a pathetic and religious fervor for their team while living in a bitterly cold, dismal place,” said Selig.  The approximately 25 reporters in attendance audibly gasped at Selig’s indictment of Red Sox fans and their city.  “Rather than saving money for a bus ticket to a better environment, they waste their money on ’roided up lumberjacks,” he said.

About five minutes into the speech, Selig started to display an assortment of photos of Boston fans on a screen to drive his point home.  None of the photos were flattering, and all showed Red Sox fans behaving inappropriately or garishly displaying their devotion to their team.

“Boston fans cannot distinguish between a life worshiping 25-year-old, illiterate Dominicans versus a life devoted to God and country,” said Selig.  He even criticized their eating habits: “Boston fans saturate their bodies with sugary fried fat from Dunkin Donuts because they cannot conceive of a better way of life.”

Your miserable lives are too short to spend knitting Red Sox caps for your lap dogs and kitty cats.”

He also said that Red Sox fans have a “distorted view of the universe” in which their baseball team is at the center.  “If you sit next to a Boston Red Sox fan on the airplane, they will presume you know about every time Fisk had a bowel movement in the mid-70s,” he said.

Selig closed with an admonition to Boston devotees.  “Your miserable lives are too short to spend knitting Red Sox caps for your lap dogs and kitty cats,” said Selig.  “Get out into the sun.  Recreate.  Learn about the world around you.  And if you can, get out of Boston – but don’t tell anyone I sent you.”

Upon finishing what must be called a bizarre diatribe, Selig did not accept questions.  Instead, looking disoriented he shuffled from the stage.  One of Selig’s staff helped him out of the room and to his awaiting limousine.

Selig or someone on his behalf attempted to quell the furor among the Boston faithful by posting a conciliatory twitter message on Selig’s Twitter account: “#Selig: totally cool with Boston fans, just not down with the hotel service and security.  Go Sox and go Cards!”

Sports

As the fitness craze continues to grow, more and more Americans find themselves in the gym.  This means sharing close quarters with others, often while naked.  Consideration of others can make the gym a better place for everyone and enhance overall well-being.  After all who wants to maintain a fitness routine if trips to the gym are unpleasant?

Below are the top ten complaints of 1,262 gym members we surveyed concerning their experience at the gym:

1.       Walking around naked.  By far the most common complaint is old, saggy members sharing their misery with the rest of us by strutting completely nude around the locker room.  Must we share your misery?  Why?  Most gyms have unlimited towel service.  All members – in particular the old and saggy – should cover up when possible.  Certainly walking across the locker room or bending over (in particular) should be done with a towel.  Too many young men have been scarred by visions of saggy junk.  [Ed.: The dimensions of the towels might not match the girth of larger members.]

2.       Cell phone use.  It’s bad enough that you have to listen to the Mexican towel boys [Ed: “Latino towel boys” is preferred term] shout at each other about this weekend’s cockfight.  What pushes us over the line is the dual-incomed, middle-aged a-hole with the Audi in the parking lot on his cell phone time his arrival home with his testosterone-addled spouse who is picking up carry-out sushi.  They can talk for five minutes about his trip home — even while being in a “cell free zone.”  Get off the phone already.  People other than you exist.  Fair dinkum.

3.       Facing the Jacuzzi jets.  This is a long overlooked offense but once detected it should cause gym members to lose sleep.  Check out your Jacuzzi.  Are any fellow members facing the wrong way?  And are any of these members holding their groins in front a of water jet?  If the answer is “yes,” next time you are in a Jacuzzi try holding your groin in front of a water jet.  Feel anything?  Now do you see what is going on?  For the female members, this can be forgiven.  For males, however, it means that everyone else in the tub swims with chlorified ejaculate.

4.       Working out in steamroom/sauna.  The steamroom and sauna are places of relaxation and reflection.  Cover up your privates and let your body wind down are the rules of the game.  So why do some freaks think they are their private Bikrum yoga studio?  And why when they are asked to stop panting and strutting around the steamroom do they turn hostile bordering on violent?  (This is probably a West Coast phenomenon.)

5.       Spitting up/urinating in shower.  What we do in the shower is – for the most part – our own business.  So long as we do not masturbate, defecate or urinate, we should be in good standing.  Most responsible members wear sandals of some kind, but not everyone does.  Some of our feet touch the linoleum in the showers.  So when we hear people coughing up gosh knows what from their lungs and spitting it in the shower, it is revolting.  Even if we do not walk barefoot in the shower, why should anyone suffer this noise?  Would you do this in any other public place?