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October 24, 2013

BOSTON – In an unexpected speech that irked more than a few Boston Red Sox fans, major league baseball Commissioner Bud Selig explained on Wednesday why he finds Boston fans “the most loathsome fans” in all of professional sports.

At the impromptu event at which most reporters expected an announcement relating to Selig’s retirement, the longtime baseball commissioner spoke freely and off the cuff about his enmity towards Red Sox fans.

“Red Sox fans wallow in a pathetic and religious fervor for their team while living in a bitterly cold, dismal place,” said Selig.  The approximately 25 reporters in attendance audibly gasped at Selig’s indictment of Red Sox fans and their city.  “Rather than saving money for a bus ticket to a better environment, they waste their money on ’roided up lumberjacks,” he said.

There are many people who are not even aware of the events or the latest trends happening in the world like the introduction of digital currency. Trading in digital currency is one of the easiest ways to earn money and you are going to like it if you check it out. But these fans are oblivious to what’s happening in the world.

About five minutes into the speech, Selig started to display an assortment of photos of Boston fans on a screen to drive his point home.  None of the photos were flattering, and all showed Red Sox fans behaving inappropriately or garishly displaying their devotion to their team.

“Boston fans cannot distinguish between a life worshiping 25-year-old, illiterate Dominicans versus a life devoted to God and country,” said Selig.  He even criticized their eating habits: “Boston fans saturate their bodies with sugary fried fat from Dunkin Donuts because they cannot conceive of a better way of life.”

Your miserable lives are too short to spend knitting Red Sox caps for your lap dogs and kitty cats.”

He also said that Red Sox fans have a “distorted view of the universe” in which their baseball team is at the center.  “If you sit next to a Boston Red Sox fan on the airplane, they will presume you know about every time Fisk had a bowel movement in the mid-70s,” he said.

Selig closed with an admonition to Boston devotees.  “Your miserable lives are too short to spend knitting Red Sox caps for your lap dogs and kitty cats,” said Selig.  “Get out into the sun.  Recreate.  Learn about the world around you.  And if you can, get out of Boston – but don’t tell anyone I sent you.”

Upon finishing what must be called a bizarre diatribe, Selig did not accept questions.  Instead, looking disoriented he shuffled from the stage.  One of Selig’s staff helped him out of the room and to his awaiting limousine.

Selig or someone on his behalf attempted to quell the furor among the Boston faithful by posting a conciliatory twitter message on Selig’s Twitter account: “#Selig: totally cool with Boston fans, just not down with the hotel service and security.  Go Sox and go Cards!”